....Forget 911....
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Monday, October 26, 2009
5:10PM
wow, life, thank you.
I've finally gotten tired of how some people treat me lately and just...removed them.
Like Mike. My ex. I really just..don't like him. But I pretended to for long enough because all my friends still did.
I finally told him I genuinely couldn't stand him. And it felt way too good. Way. Too. Good. He treated me like SHIT when we were together. It was nice to finally let him know he isn't as great as he thinks he is.
And I stopped convincing myself that me and Greg are still friends. Hell, I went through a surgery and some pretty rough shit...I pretty much begged him to ask if I was okay. I never even got a text from him.
So, because he has somebody to fuck him, he doesn't need my friendship anymore? That's fine. When she cheats on him and leaves him, he'll be kicking himself. And he'll have to do a hell of a lot more than apologize to get my trust back.
I've been thinking too much lately about stuff I don't want to think about.
Like how I'm not happy with my life.
I don't have friends. Not like I used to. I never see people anymore because I can't afford to do things for anyone.
I hate my job. I really do. I'm looking forward to going back to work so I can be demeaned every day again. Great. That's a great life.
I hate this apartment. I don't feel safe here. I don't know if my landlord is going to break in again or what. I don't trust this place. And it's not in good enough shape for me to be paying what I am for it.
Of course, I have my Peachy princess, and she is my world. I love this dog so much. I'd be lost without her. She is a good point.
Andy is a good point. Still, I know. Be proud of me, critics. Going on ten months and still feeling good about it.
I haven't been biting my nails. That's good.
The fourteen things from my surgery that almost killed me didn't...
I'm grasping for straws now.
Last year around this time, I was happy. I had nothing holding me down, except for the fact that I was in love with my best friend - but that didn't stop me from having fun. I was up and down the east coast last year and it was amazing.
Did I do some things I shouldn't have? Oh lord yeah. Did I go near some people I shouldn't have? Yes. Did I hurt some people I didn't have to? Yeah.
Do I regret anything I've done? No. No I don't.
This year...I'm stagnant.
I can't do anything. Half because of my health, half because of my lack of a car.
I'm stuck where I am and I'm not happy about it.
Monday, September 14, 2009
10:07PM
I’d kill for peace and quiet, for a little piece of mind. I’d kill for just about anything, if I could call it mine. I beg for the banalities of every day life, for anything that isn’t everything I’ve got on my plate. I just can’t handle this, today has been too much. I can’t keep my eyes open. I can’t keep my mouth shut. Have you ever had one of those days where you felt like your head was going to explode…and you almost started wishing for it? Just so you could have a little time for yourself.
Today has been that day. the only sounds I hear are the crunching of metal on metal, the word ‘no’ and the ocean in my ears. My head is a solid mass of spinning. Between the blood being drawn out far too slowly, the words coming from every angle and the disagreements, I can’t catch up. I can’t keep up.
You’ve got to keep me close, because with out you, I just don’t know. You’ve got to stay with me, I can’t handle everything. I’ve never needed a soul before but you’ve got that affect on me.
The weight on my shoulders is visible, my stride can’t keep up. When once, I may have stood proud, I can’t handle this weight over me. No standing tall when you can’t feel the sun.
I can’t get rid of this. Can’t make it make sense. I can’t cry it out – the desire isn’t there. The energy isn’t there. I can’t scream – the feeling isn’t for it. I can’t talk – my voice hasn’t come back to me just yet.
I just want a week off, a cold night and your fire. I want to feel close to someone. I want paper to not run the world. I want knowledge to be the national standard. I want to stare out onto the lake and not worry about mosquitos. I want something to fill that hole in my center. I want to stop scaring people I don’t know by looking so angry.
I want to stop second guessing everything I’ve ever known.
I want to stop having a reason to.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
10:59AM
My tonsils are coming out in about two weeks. Then I'll have two weeks to recuperate. I can't wait for two weeks off, how sad is that? I'm excited about being in awful pain.
Weird.
The kids upstairs in my house are idiots. They took my wet laundry out of the washer to wash their own, leaving mine on a chair...seriously, what is this? A fucking dorm building. That only happened to me once in a year in the dorms - and that was like 450 kids using 6 washers. This is 9 people using 1 washer. You can wait twenty fucking minutes. That really bothered me.
Boris moved out. Ran away from home, quite literally. Wrote a note for us and for his parents and hopped a plane to Seattle. Weird fucking kid, but I doubt I ever forget him because of it.
Some new kid is moving in today. Stuart. I already have qualms about it for reasons unbeknownst to me.
I was up cleaning until 3:30 this morning, yet I couldn't sleep later than ten. That doesn't seem fair.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
9:17PM
I'm sick and might be losing my tonsils in the next week or so. My manager doesn't believe I'm sick because "nobody that young gets that sick all the time."
I must have forgotten age had everything to do with health problems. Oh right. Of course. So even as sick as I am, I have to go to work tomorrow so that I continue to have a job.
I. Fucking. Hate. That. Job.
Severely. So very severely.
I'm seriously sick enough that my tonsils are practically choking me. It's utterly disgusting. Yet I'm not sick. I'm just unreliable. I must have forgotten.
i need a new job. I need a new immune system. I need a best friend who doesn't ignore me for a girl he doesn't seem to enjoy at all...seriously, he doesn't seem to enjoy that she speaks. I'm not an idiot. I notice these things.
I've got Andy. Things are great on that front. GREAT.
I've got Peachy. I love my dog immensely.
I just need to get better and get happy.
...and get employed elsewhere.
Monday, August 10, 2009
7:06PM
I'm finally taking things back and making them, once again, mine.
I finally talked to my best friend. Things are beginning to make sense on that front again. Hopefully, he doesn't stay busy or stupid forever and has time to have a life including me again.
Money will always be an issue, especially in an epic recession. Depression. It's not a recession at this point. Recession means it might be changing a little at times towards the positive. We're in a depression.
I had an outstanding ticket I was unaware of and ending up getting myself arrested for driving on a suspended a few weeks back. I go to court for that tomorrow. Hopefully they don't make me pay too much more than I already have. I genuinely can't afford it.
Thrice's new album comes out in a month. I'm listening to pieces of it now. It's pretty good. I enjoy everything they've ever done thoroughly.
Sneaky Sea Lions broke up. Lucca has just joined the Suburban Legends. As excited as I am for him, I'm sad for me. The band I've been everywhere with for the last 3 1/2 years is gone and my good friend leaves for California in a few weeks.
I've been down lately.
It makes sense.
I'm trying not to be.
It isn't exactly working.
It's 97 degrees outside. I'm going to nap in the air conditioning.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
11:46AM
My head is still spinning. I can't make that stop, no matter how hard I try. You see, things should make sense right now. Things should be logical and linear, point A to point B, yet here we are, no linear response in sight.
You make things make more sense, but by no means do they make sense. I understand more of what's happening when you're around, but I still don't understand why things are happening.
I still miss my best friend every day. Not so much now because I don't see him, but because he is doing everything in his power to not be my best friend anymore. He has his new girlfriend - why would he need friends? And that's not just how I see it - that's how it is.
Remember who was always here for you when she finally realizes she is an ugly bitch that can walk all over you. Remember who didn't walk on you when given the opportunity. Remember who never turned away from you.
And then look at who you have.
I hope you regret that someday.
I'm still trying to find a new job. I hate this one. I work too much, don't make enough and never sleep.
I'm still trying to find out what's wrong with me. I've been sick for months, yet it appears as if I'm perfectly fine.
I'm still trying to find a balance between the parts of my life. I genuinely never expect that.
What would make me happy right now?
Having a best friend.
Sleeping and waking up refreshed.
Not having an evil bitchmonger manager.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
8:07PM
You know, some days I go back to thinking we’ll end up together. Some days, I remember waking up in your arms, in that warm little room we shared most nights. I remember our adventures and how much the pizza guys loved us because we were friendly. Our night that we made dinner. And the night we went across the street to get the makings for cookies - we never did accomplish that, did we? I remember walking around town, holding your hand, and how - for so fucking long - we were the couple to be envied.
“You guys are perfect for each other.” I heard it a million times. “Made for each other.” “You guys just fit.” I heard them all, and for the longest time, I clung to that and begged for it to be true. I needed it to be true. And for a long while, damn it, it was.
I didn’t figure out until last month that it wasn’t true anymore.
The people we used to be were interlocking parts. Content and whole only when together. We aren’t those people anymore. And I was the last one to figure it out. I think I clung to the idea of us for so long because so many people adore both of us and so many people wanted us to be together.
I don’t think I’ve wanted that for a long time.
This is the first time since I’ve known you that I can see you and not be dying to be in your arms.
You know, I’m happy right now. I walked into that pizza place the other day, the one we used to live in, and our friend asked me where you’d been. I smiled and said, “I don’t see him around here anymore. He’s got a new girl now.” He looked almost hurt.
“But you guys…I really thought you two would make it.”
I smiled sadly. “I wasn’t even actually his girlfriend when you knew us. I was good enough to be with him every day, but apparently not good enough to put a title on.”
“So he left you.”
“No, he just left. He left this town, he left what I considered home. And right now, yeah, I still get sad sometimes, but this town is still my home and I’m doing just as well off without him.”
“Good for you, sweetheart. You deserve to be happy. You got a new guy?”
I smiled again, just without the sadness this time. I’d just left a house across town to come pick up food for us.
“I absolutely do.”
People don’t say, “You two are perfect together.” They don’t say “You’re perfect together.” They just look at us and smile. We don’t cling to one another the way you and I did. There will be a cute little kiss or touch as we pass each other, a simple arm around the other, maybe a handhold for good measure.
I’m happy for the first time since you.
It’s a relief.
Monday, February 16, 2009
12:27PM
Blue eyes can be one of two things. Sweet And innocent, the type of person that you trust just because those wide eyes tell you you can. Or they can be intense...you literally feel those eyes on you And its a rush. Only a classically trained liar can do both- or see through either.
Baby, youve got both. And i dont believe either.
See, you And i are a lot alike. We can the best friend or worst enemy youve ever known.
But when you get two people like that together, its dangerous. We're dangerous, boy.
Monday, January 19, 2009
7:58PM
This is how i always know its time to remind you. When my heart finds its new home in my throat And my every thought is obsessive with realizing we never really end And what if somebody does finally take my place. What if you meet a girl And she is better than me, which is so easy to do. What if you find somebody to help you be done with me.
When i cant get these thoughts out of my head, i simply have to remind you, just as youve done to me before.
It hasnt changed. Nor will it.
Im in love with you.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
6:43PM
See, I do this strange thing called twisting your life into what I want it to be. I never mean to, but, boy, sometimes things are so easy they just have to be done. So I'll take you by your roots and see how long you can last in my soil. It's a but more bitter than you're used to, coarse and uncaring, but it's got that addicting quality to it. You know it isn't necessarily good for you...but it doesn't make you ever want to go home.
Welcome to my life, to my home, to my world. I'll have your stomach in knots and your heart around my little finger before I even realize you find me good looking. See, I've been hurt too many times to leave the innocent unscathed. That boy that did me wrong? Not that he matters now, but oh, you'll feel like he does.
Sweetheart, I tried to warn you. I'm not the sweet girl you crave. I'm not the innocent. I'm not even close to the nice girl you want to bring home to Mom. I'm the girl Mom has warned you about since conception. I'm the one that you'll wish never loved you, because the deeper I feel, the less you wish I did.
I torture myself to remind you how great I'm not. Sure, I can be pretty sometimes. I've got that swagger and those wide blue eyes and I dress well enough to convince everyone that I've got that figure. My hair is usually done well enough to prove cute. Get this straight - pretty girls are hiding something. The second those eyes lock on yours, you're finished.
Baby, you're not a lover. You're a trophy. I'm taking one back for all the girls that have been arm candy. I've got a collection of the best looking guys on the block. You can look all you want - I actually suggest you do. That way, you can remind yourself of what you'll never have.
For every boy that's ever made me cry myself to sleep, I scar someone else. For every morning I woke up alone, bruised and battered, buried deep in the sheets, I thank you.
Love is a drug. You never plan on getting addicted. Just a few tastes won't hurt. One taste is enough.Don't fall for me. I'll break your heart and I won't return the pieces.
Keep calling. I love being the reason you're losing sleep.
Nothing feels better than knowing you're still thinking of me. Maybe I'll think of you again someday.
Maybe I'll bother remembering who you are.
"Broken hearts aren't easily mended" unless you've got the right parts. Forget your drama. Forget me. Go find your easy fuck and get out of my day.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
10:45AM
Usually, the time in between Thanksgiving and Christmas is some of the worst times I have all year.
This year...it hasn't really been that way. But I also knew it wouldn't last.
Two days after Thanksgiving...SB6ventures with James Kelly and some friends I hadn't seen in literally over a year. Ended up being a great, great day.
My birthday WEEK was phenomenal. Got to see so many excellent people. Hung out with some kids I really never should have given up. It was amazing.
Everything has been adding up to an awesome Christmas, right?
No.
Today, we had to put our dog Jeremy to sleep. Yes, he was very old and pretty sick, but that doesn't make it any easier. I woke up this morning to go take my dog to the vet.
I was taking care of the other animals as I do every morning and I realize my guinea pigs are acting really weird. Espresso, my oldest guinea pig, had passed away during the night.
So in a span of two hours, I lost two amazing friends.
And I think the worst part of all of it had to be carrying Jeremy out to the car and the look my other dog Bobby gave me. He knew Jeremy wasn't coming back. He lived through that with me when we lost Folly. He just looked at me and he knew. I knelt down on the floor, he walked over, sniffed Jeremy a little, licked his head and laid down. He knew it was time, too, but it still hurts.
When I walked back into the house empty handed an hour later, Bobby knocked my obnoxious puppy out of the way (which he'll never do...she abuses him) and just stood in front of me. I knelt down and hugged him (which he normally doesn't like) and he sat down and let me hug him for a while, licking my arm the whole time.
Jeremy was the sweetest little dog. He was about 17. We had only had him about 3 years. We adopted him. He was so sweet. A little bit confused usually, but that didn't mean he wasn't great.
I'm going to miss him.
I do miss him.
There goes the holidays.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
I dont see you every day. I dont talk to you everyday. I might not talk to you or see you every month even.
But im still thinking of you. And if you need me, im always here, just because you always have been for me.
You guys have been at my back for all the years ive been around. Some of you, ive known forever. Some ive known forever And just gotten to know. And some, i havent known that long, but youve got my loyalty.
Thank you, for everything youve done And everything you will do.
Youre an amazing crew.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
2:43AM
All I want is an escape.
All I want is to wake up next to you again.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
11:44PM
"A good relationship is like fireworks. loud, explosive and liable to maim you if you hold on for too long."
I'm not what everyone thinks I am. Just because I dress to get attention doesn't make me a slut. Just because I know everyone doesn't mean I have a million friends. Just because I play stupid doesn't mean I am. Just because most of my friends are in bands doesn't make me a groupie. Just because I prefer the company of guys doesn't mean I'm hooking up with all - or any - of them.
And just because I dated someone else doesn't mean I'm over you.
I've got a pretty level head on my shoulders. Sure, I have moments of mania, but then again, who doesn't? The only thing I can't think of clearly is whatever we are. Because we're technically nothing. We're friends. Of course. But technically, we haven't been any more than that since last year. Over a year ago. Yet, every time I'm near you, I still can't help but feel like that's not true. Every time I'm near you and I once again go from hyperventilating out of sheer panic to comfortable because I'm near you, I know it's not true. This summer, when we were talking and you looked at me and said, "And because I loved you...and why am I using past tense..?" (Did you really think I would ever forget those words?), I knew it wasn't true. That day I came to hang out with you at your house, and I fell asleep laying close to you, when I hadn't slept for more than fifteen minutes straight in a month.
Last night when we were standing next to each other, both of us casually moving to the music, your hand kept touching mine. That's not something you notice unless it sends shockwaves through your entire body. And I promise you, it was.
Every time you complain about how you've got ten more pounds to lose, I want to get mad at you. Because I don't think you need to lose anything. I think you look great now. I've always thought you looked great. I just wish you could see it.
And little things you do...it kills me. Like when you said, "I don't need people asking questions," when it came to us hanging out...why does it matter who asks what? When you delete comments I leave you. Why? It's obvious within fourteen seconds of meeting me how I feel about you. Everyone knows it. Why bother trying to hide that from your friends? Who cares about questions? People question me all the time and I usually say the same thing: "Honestly, I still have no idea why we broke up. Over a year later, I'm still clueless. And yeah, I dated somebody else, but it was in hopes of getting over him. As we can see, that worked just great. I'd have him back in a minute if he'd have me. After this long, I've kind of given up on finding anything other than a distraction from him."
So I guess I'm just curious. I'm curious why we talk on the phone at least 3 or 4 times a day, why you're always the last person I talk to before bed, why you're always the first person I text in the morning, why when anything is wrong or right, you're always my first call (as you said was true of me as well), why I'm not comfortable around anyone but you, why everything might not be right when you're around, but it's undeniably better....why, in spite of all of the obvious, I'm still sitting here, almost 3 1/2 years to the day from when we met, wondering why.
I know we're not perfect. I don't believe in happily ever after.
But I do believe in happy every time I pass that house on Guilden Street.
That was the first place I ever felt at home. It took a long time for me to figure out it wasn't the house.
And sadly, I just found a comic that makes....far too much sense.
Right down to the sarcasm at the situation.
Monday, November 17, 2008
10:53AM
last night was what i needed friday to be.
friday wasn't at all what i needed friday to be. although, one poin was really sweet. mike walked up to me out of nowhere and just said "I really think you look gorgeous tonight. just thought you should know." he's a sweetheart. i love that boy.
and apparently between ernston road and my house lost my cell phone. as in, it has to be somewhere in my mother's car. and she is at work. and i have work soon. meaning i don't have a phone. meaning fucking kill me.
also, broke my finger last night.
and adopted some very tall gentlemen from chicago.
good night.
Friday, November 14, 2008
2:25AM
I'm glad I'm not one of those girls that doesn't need someone to feel like I am someone.
I'm glad I don't have to cling to the arm of some guy to feel as if I have worth.
I'm glad I don't constantly need to be around a guy telling me he cares about me and that I'm beautiful.
I'm glad I'm not the girl that will go off with anybody who can pretend they care for a few hours.
I'm glad I have enough confidence to know how to be myself without some guy.
But that doesn't mean I don't miss you.
Tonight, The Ergs, Hunchback. Last time I'll ever see either band.
Decent night, my mind just kept racing.
I was in a basement in New Brunswick with a ton and a half of people I knew and a lot more I didn't.
And, for the most part, I was preferring the company of those I didn't know.
Just because, the ones I knew were making me think.
When it occured to two of us that we'd been friends for 3 1/2, almost 4 years and I realized that that meant I'd known someone else for that long...
When it occured to me that you're flat broke and supposedly looking to move out of your house....4 months ago, and maybe I really am back at square one.
When it occured to me that, even though we all make fun of you continuously for being a screw up....maybe you're the least screwed up out of all of us.
When it occured to me that maybe my crush was on the wrong one of your roommates. Yep. I said it.
When it occured to me that, because of you, New Brunswick will always be home. When I walked out of Krauszer's tonight and instinctively looked up at that window, seeing the shades drawn, but the light still on and I got choked up. Only then did it occur to me how badly I need to be back in that town. I knew I missed that house. I knew I missed you. But my god, seeing a light on in a bedroom window reduced me to tears. That's fucking awful.
It was a good night. Just a long night.
I'm glad I'll have the memory, but I'm glad tonight is over.
One of my favorite memories popped randomly into my head the other night. Laying in your room, using your arm as a pillow more than the actual pillow alloted to me. The TV was on, but we were both reading. I was actually reading A Tree Grows In Brooklyn. The fact that I remember that might be a little sick. I read one line, I don't remember the exact line right now, but it applied to the situation I was in. I highlighted the line, put the pen in the book as a mark, put the book on top of the nightstand and curled up against him. He turned slightly to accomodate me, finished the chapter in his book, put it down on top of mine, turned off the light and just held me against him. No words were exchanged at all.
Honestly, none needed to be.
That is why I miss that part of my life.
I miss it because it worked. There was no changing for the other, because there was no need to change. It just worked.
I miss him.
Don't ever miss someone that's sitting in the room with you, and here I am, missing someone whose voice I hear a million times a day.
Doesn't really seem fair, does it?
Remember when you said, "It'll get easier with time"? August 5, 2006. Over two years ago. Yeah, I'm still a sucker for dates.
Well, over two years later, it still hasn't gotten easier. Every day when I wake up, it's still you. Every night, before I go to sleep, it's still you. Every time I have good news, it's you. Every time I'm in tears, it's you.
It's been almost 3 1/2 years to the day.
When does it start getting easier?
I'm going to do myself a favor and go to bed before I completely destroy any chance of sleep.
"Tell me something that I know, just something that I understand. I need to taste the warming glow of your medicating hands. I know I'm ready for your love, I just don't understand it. There is a silent pact of trust that I never could admit. So now I'm telling you the reason I'm all messed up. Just have to look me in the eyes and I fall apart. Please let me hold you 'til I know we are both through this. I couldn't lead another day without you here in my arms. You look so fragile I could break, but I try to hold myself together for the both of us. But in truth I'm just as scared. I just wanna watch you sleep as you lie here beside me. So close your eyes, I'll guard the door and when you wake you'll wake with me.."
Thursday, October 23, 2008
11:23PM
I'm so confused right now.
After 3 1/2 years, I know it's never going to happen. I know this. Not by anything you've said, but by everything you haven't done. If you actually wanted to be with me, you would have been with me. You would have stayed with me, instead of making me wait for 2 years out of 3 1/2 that I've known you to have what I want. And all that I wanted was you.
And then, today.
Don't think you've got me confused because of something you did. Oh no. This isn't a new feeling. I've always been confused by you. I understand you better than 90% of people, yet I can't help but be confused when you tell me when you can't have me that you've still got feelings for me, and then when I'm available...nothing of it is said again.
I guess the confusing part is knowing part of me is always going to be in love with you. Part of me will always smile when I hear your voice, or talk about you, or hug you, or see you. And part of me knows I'm most likely never going to have you again. Part of me knows that if you wanted to have me, you know you could have months ago.
I know I'll always care for you, and I'll always love you, but how fair is it to keep making myself wait for you?
I've done nothing but distract myself from you for the last year.
I don't like some of the things I've done in the last year, honestly. I've gotten nastier. I've gotten bitter. I've lost trust in everyone.
Hell, I dated someone I barely liked as a person, just because he was nothing like you. I'm tired of doing that to myself. And I've been trying to convince myself I'm not doing it, but I am.
And then, things get interesting. I told you I made a new friend. Ryan. He is unmatchedly one of the most genuine people I've ever met. That is a much-desired quality for me after the last guy I was interested in. He's sweet. we have conversations that are always even. No one dominates the conversation. He's a pretty great guy. And he has a major thing for me. It's hard for me to trust him, just because I trusted Mike and look where that landed me. But he's giving me every reason to trust him.
He's got potential for me to care about him. A lot.
I'm just scared that once again when I think I have something solid (I didn't last time, I know that) that I'm going to once again remember I'll never be over you. And I don't know what to do about that. I really don't know what to do.
I was hoping today would give me some answer on what to do. All it did was make it harder to figure out. I fell asleep easily with your arms around me. I never fall asleep easily anymore.
And all I want is to know what you're thinking for once. Because I never actually know.
I want to know if you turn to me the way you do because it's me or if it's because you don't have anyone else to turn to like that.
I want to know that when your hand accidentally spends a little too long touching mine, it's because you wish you were still holding it, and not because you just want affection from someone.
I want you to not care about questions from anyone, because questions and fights mean nothing if the person means everything to you ( I moved out of my parent's house because I wanted to be with you more than I wanted to hear how much my mother hated you. Did that ever occur to you?).
I want to know you turn to me out of something other than familiarity.
I want to know anything, really.
I don't know what I'm trying to say right now.
All I am saying is that I'm not over you, but at the same time, I've got a thing for someone else, and I don't know who that's fair to, especially not either of us, or him.
And I don't know what to do.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
1:17AM
I've finally figured it out.
My love life is a carousel.
Full of intricate, gorgeously decorated creatures, none of whom are anything like the last.
The only thing they have in common is that they never actually leave.
Sure, one is always going to get more attention than the others, but the others are always still there, always still noticeable, never actually forgotten. And occasionally, one will come full circle and be in the spot light once more.
But they have no way of actually disappearing from the circle. They are ever-present.
I don't know if that's comforting, or depressing.
I made a new friend last night. Ryan.
Completely blew my mind with his attention to detail, ability to function as an adult (he's my age), and pure disgust at the behavior of the people around our age.
He's a conversationalist.
It's nearly a lost art.
I'm intrigued by him.
One of my closest friends, Doug, celebrated a milestone today, in turning 21 years old.
It was kind of nice, just chilling out at Davis' house, watching Robot Chicken as he turned 21, then walking downstairs with him and Eric as Doug drank his first legal beer and Eric drank his millionth lol.
It was the first time I've ever actually gotten to talk to Eric. He's a sweet guy, he really is. I feel this strange need to take care of him. I don't know why.
But Doug...oh, Doug. Twenty one years of age.
After this week, the world will never again be the same.
By the way, had I wanted to, I could have had a drink tonight. I, apparently, do not get carded.
Now, I go to sleep, for I have work in less than 8 hours.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
3:46AM
you know, it kills me sometimes.
i sit in a room and listen to the people around me and i can't bring myself to actually hear what they're saying. letters form syllables form words for sentences and none of it means anything.
then, other days, one word can save your life.
is there no such thing as consistency?
....says the girl that can't sleep without that red hoodie at least nearby, if not wrapped comfortingly around her. with the pillows, the comforter (what a fitting word), the teddy bear, the necklace...
i guess you could call that consistency.
i'm very tired tonight.
not sleepy. not exhausted.
i'm just very tired.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
4:07AM
so yo.
i drank 3 rock star energy drinks in like 2 hours tonight.
i still can't sit still.
it's terrifying.
i'm vibrating.
but at least i was - quite literally - climbing the walls.
that's me and gregresch. chillin' on the ceiling.
yep.
i need sleep.
i need a dose of my other half (you don't know how much i miss you).
i need to be held.
for now, i guess i'll try sleep.
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