I'm glad I'm not one of those girls that doesn't need someone to feel like I am someone.
I'm glad I don't have to cling to the arm of some guy to feel as if I have worth.
I'm glad I don't constantly need to be around a guy telling me he cares about me and that I'm beautiful.
I'm glad I'm not the girl that will go off with anybody who can pretend they care for a few hours.
I'm glad I have enough confidence to know how to be myself without some guy.

But that doesn't mean I don't miss you.

Tonight, The Ergs, Hunchback. Last time I'll ever see either band.
Decent night, my mind just kept racing.
I was in a basement in New Brunswick with a ton and a half of people I knew and a lot more I didn't.
And, for the most part, I was preferring the company of those I didn't know.
Just because, the ones I knew were making me think.
When it occured to two of us that we'd been friends for 3 1/2, almost 4 years and I realized that that meant I'd known someone else for that long...
When it occured to me that you're flat broke and supposedly looking to move out of your house....4 months ago, and maybe I really am back at square one.
When it occured to me that, even though we all make fun of you continuously for being a screw up....maybe you're the least screwed up out of all of us.
When it occured to me that maybe my crush was on the wrong one of your roommates. Yep. I said it.
When it occured to me that, because of you, New Brunswick will always be home. When I walked out of Krauszer's tonight and instinctively looked up at that window, seeing the shades drawn, but the light still on and I got choked up. Only then did it occur to me how badly I need to be back in that town. I knew I missed that house. I knew I missed you. But my god, seeing a light on in a bedroom window reduced me to tears. That's fucking awful.
It was a good night. Just a long night.
I'm glad I'll have the memory, but I'm glad tonight is over.

One of my favorite memories popped randomly into my head the other night. Laying in your room, using your arm as a pillow more than the actual pillow alloted to me. The TV was on, but we were both reading. I was actually reading A Tree Grows In Brooklyn. The fact that I remember that might be a little sick. I read one line, I don't remember the exact line right now, but it applied to the situation I was in. I highlighted the line, put the pen in the book as a mark, put the book on top of the nightstand and curled up against him. He turned slightly to accomodate me, finished the chapter in his book, put it down on top of mine, turned off the light and just held me against him. No words were exchanged at all.
Honestly, none needed  to be.
That is why I miss that part of my life.
I miss it because it worked. There was no changing for the other, because there was no need to change. It just worked.
I miss him.
Don't ever miss someone that's sitting in the room with you, and here I am, missing someone whose voice I hear a million times a day.
Doesn't really seem fair, does it? 

Remember when you said, "It'll get easier with time"? August 5, 2006. Over two years ago. Yeah, I'm still a sucker for dates.
Well, over two years later, it still hasn't gotten easier. Every day when I wake up, it's still you. Every night, before I go to sleep, it's still you. Every time I have good news, it's you. Every time I'm in tears, it's you.
It's been almost 3 1/2 years to the day.
When does it start getting easier?

I'm going to do myself a favor and go to bed before I completely destroy any chance of sleep.



"Tell me something that I know, just something that I understand. I need to taste the warming glow of your medicating hands. I know I'm ready for your love, I just don't understand it. There is a silent pact of trust that I never could admit. So now I'm telling you the reason I'm all messed up. Just have to look me in the eyes and I fall apart. Please let me hold you 'til I know we are both through this. I couldn't lead another day without you here in my arms. You look so fragile I could break, but I try to hold myself together for the both of us. But in truth I'm just as scared. I just wanna watch you sleep as you lie here beside me. So close your eyes, I'll guard the door and when you wake you'll wake with me.."