....Forget 911....

Tue, 19 Aug 2008 21:07:49 GMT

I feel like i'm stuck in this town and I'm not headed anywhere.
That's not going to work out for me.

The boys need to get their shit straightened out, or I'm finding another place by myself until they do.
And I need to get my car fixed so I can exist to people again.

I really can't stand being in this town anymore.

Things have been...special.

Went to Ocean City for 2 days. Had a grand old time, even though Mike and I fought the entire time I was there.
He and I broke up. He and I worked well as long as there was absolutely nothing in between us and we got to see each other continuously. Since that's not realistic, he and I didn't work. We're still cool with each other, still gonna hang out all the time, whatever. Just...probably done being together.

My car needs a new engine. That's 1500 bucks I don't have.

I've gotten tired of sitting back quietly again and I've been saying things I probably shouldn't say to people. The only difference is that this time, I genuinely don't care.
I catch myself biting my tongue a lot, but it's not nearly enough to consider myself censored.

I've still got all of my stuff that's in this house packed, mainly because it's easier.

I need to leave for a few days again.
Actually, that made it worse.
I need to not leave. Or to leave for good.

Mon, 28 Jul 2008 03:54:30 GMT

So this is going to sound so stupid and you know what?
I don't care.

So Mike was on vacation all week. Great week for him, god awful week for me.
He comes home yesterday, a week early. Completely surprised me. I was glad he was home.

....too bad he's not.
He's the same guy, just...different when he's around his friends. And his persona from around his friends is home. Still waiting for him to get home.
Like...it was a little bit like it used to be tonight, but I'm used to him being clingy as hell which I enjoy, and I felt like being affectionate was annoying him. And it's usually easy to get him to come hang out. Tonight? Like pulling teeth. He was gonna come tomorrow. Now he doesn't want to.
Whatever.

I...just don't know.
I want this to work.
But if it doesn't....whatever.

Head to toe, you know she's dressed to kill - and you know she could by the way she's looking at me.

Thu, 26 Jun 2008 00:47:51 GMT

So...I haven't taken off yet.
Kinda weird considering how headfirst he is in this relationship, but I really don't see myself going anywhere.
I can kinda see this being long term.
I never think of the future.
Little weird.

I'm moving out of my apartment by next tuesday.
Weird feeling.
I won't miss it.
People are fucking nutsssss.

I'm going to be living in Sayreville for a month.
It's gonna be a little rough, I admit that.
I'm going to go from being on my own, doing whatever I feel like whenever I feel like, not answering to anyone....and then I'm going to be living with my parents again.

But, I'll handle it.
Because I'm moving to New Brunswick August 1.
With Doug. and Dutch.
And Will will pretty much live on my couch. And Mike will be there continuously considering we'll be living down the street from one another. And Greg will only be 45 minutes away. And I'll only be twenty minutes from my parents house. And I'm just really glad that I'll be in the center of everyone I care about again.
I missed that feeling.

As much as I like being on my own....I can't handle being by myself that much.
I'm never at my apartment.
I occasionally - lately, very occasionally - sleep there, but besides that...I'm not there. Ever.
I want to have a place I can call home and I can enjoy so that I don't have to use the gas continuously to get away from it.
It's not fair to my cats right now that I'm never there. I love my babies. Shadow and Zooey are the loves of my life and I very rarely see them just because I never want to be in my apartment.
I've been happily packing up all of my belongings just to get out of there. I can't wait to be done with that place.

I work at FYE now.
Just got officially hired today.
Woo.
I don't really care.
A job is a job, but at least I won't be working on commission anymore.
And I'll be making okay money, too.
That rules.

I miss my best friend.
I haven't seen Greg in almost a month.
It's killing me.
I absolutely hate it.

I'm kinda terrified of Mike's and my relationship.
Both of us pretty much went in to this headfirst and fully aware of everything around us.
So it's a little terrifying that as of today I've known him for a month and I'm completely crazy about him. Not giggly, school girl crush crazy about him. Legitimately, "I don't want to take my eyes off of you so I don't miss anything you do," taking care of him when he doesn't feel good, going grocery shopping with him, "i can see this lasting a long time" crazy about him.
Mildly terrifying.
More than mildly terrifying.
I trust him.
Those of you that know me know what a big deal that is.
I don't get it.
But I'm not going to push it away or fight it, because I actually recognize that I've got a good thing and I don't want to lose it.

This year has thrown me for a loop.
I never thought at the beginning of this year that i'd be tight with the people I am or that I'd have a boyfriend that wasn't Greg, let's be honest. I never thought I'd be transferring out of Willy P or legitimately moving to New Brunswick or moving in with a kid I had at that point just met. I didn't realize I'd consider Dutch amongst my closest friends right now either.
I never thought I'd be friends with SB6 or that I'd go to 5 states in one week with them. I never thought I'd get a tattoo on a whim. I never thought it possible to put 3000 miles on my car in a week.
I never thought I'd be leaving my apartment. I never thought I'd have a damn chinchilla, and fuck Pikachu is the man. I never thought I'd be the type of girl to buy a bikini only to find out I now have the figure for one. I never thought I'd have the figure for a bikini.
I never thought at the beginning of this year that I'd find a guy out of nowhere that treats me like gold. I thought, if anything, I'd end up dating one of the guys I'd been in a casual flirtation with for months. I didn't expect to meet somebody at one of our Applebee's adventures. Hell, I didn't expect to meet anybody. I was done looking. I had finally gotten to the point of bitter and mildly frustrated with the male species so that I'd flirt and play and hang out, but I had no desire to date somebody. I didn't expect to find somebody perfect. This part will come as a shock to mainly Greg and Will - he and I don't fight seriously. We almost got in an argument and we sat down and talked about it and it was finished.
I never thought I'd have a core group of friends. I never thought I'd be completely out of the Sayreville loop right before I got thrown back into it. I never thought I'd move back to Sayreville. I never thought I'd be comfortable at parties. I never thought I'd be strong enough to not only stand up to people, but convince them to back down without trying too hard. I never thought I'd be the type that would have guys following her around vying for her attention. I never considered myself the unforgettable type.

But I guess I am.
Once I settled down, got comfortable with myself, realized who I was was amazing....things fell in to place.

I am crazy and occasionally calm. A lover of music, bad movies and driving far too fast. A flirt with a thing for getting guys interested and then mentioning her boyfriend, giving out fake phone numbers and quoting books and songs instead of straight up turning a guy down. I'm a dieheard loyal fan of my friends and family and your best bet is to avoid them like the plague, because the curse on you if you ever hurt them is unmatched. I prefer not to be alone, but not because I can't handle it - just because I get more attention in a crowd. I can't live without my cell phone, my camera and lately the contacts of my awesome fanny pack.
I know what to wear to look good and I can convince you of anything if I've got the right shirt on. I've got an attitude that's convincing, a smile that's contagious, and enough back talk to make you look like hell. I'm suggestive without trying, and I probably won't sleep with you.
I'd die if I didn't live in a coastal state, couldn't drive and didn't have catchy music. Parents tend to hate me until they realize I'm probably a better influence than their kid is. I play with the boys and still rip the knees of my jeans when I fall off my bike. I'm not the type of girl that guys own, but sometimes I'll convince a guy he's got a chance just so I can get my way. There's this boy right now that kinda has my attention - and you're damn right he realizes how lucky he is.
I still watch cartoons, think seeing someone trip is hilarious and can and will eat more than my male counterparts. I have no problem convincing people I'm feminine, but they better realize I'm tougher than they are too. I don't like girls, mainly because they're backstabbing and catty and 'just saying'- if I dislike you, I'll tell you straight up at least and I'm never just saying something.
I like playing rough, don't mind ending up bruised, still show off my battle scars, like to go on adventures for no apparent reason, I like gorey movies with stupid humor, and I've got enough big brothers that I know I was meant to turn out this way.
I know who I am and I'm loved for it. I don't have to put on an act anymore.
And you have no idea how reassuring that is.

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 07:17:05 GMT

so, remember that time everything's changed since the last time i wrote in here?
yeah....

i made friends from england,
traveled to four states,
ended up with a crush on a guy who failed at being a crush more than a friend,
hung out with my boys every day,
finished the semester,
changed jobs,
will be soon changing houses,
aquired a boyfriend,
ditched a couple people that sucked,
started making more money,
got a chinchilla and another turtle,
realized even more so how great my people are,
lost 9 pounds,
started playing dodgeball every wednesday,
have killed the battery on my phone daily talking to so many people,
got cattier,
got more awesome,
got a tan,
lost my internet connection.....

yeah pretty much life rules.

the friends...same crew they're just better.

the boyfriend...awww, mike's great. he was our waiter at applebee's one night and doug started calling him dad to be obnoxious and lizz was like "you're not being obnoxious..YOU THINK HE'S CUTE" and we left him a note at the end of the meal and lizz left my number on it and he text me and we hung out the next day...he broke up with a girl the day after that and we've pretty much been inseparable since. i enjoy him. he's amazing. <3

new job at empire promotions cause petco suspended me for leaving early with written permission and cause luv my pet suckssss.

i'm moving to new brunswick.

greg graduated and ran away forever back to cherry hill. i miss my best friend!

will is down south too. he's coming back though. but not forever. what a failure.

i'm taking a semester off from school.

life is so fucking good right now.

i haven't slept in 2 weeks.
besides today. today i slept forever. i loved today.

everything is good.

my god everything is great.

also, irony. but it's catty so i'm just going to keep it to myself. it just makes me happy knowing i'm so much better than the girl i once thought i needed.

Mon, 24 Mar 2008 19:51:45 GMT

Best friends, i love you.
You know who you are.

There are some of you that have been there for me in unmatchable ways in the last few months.
I couldn't love you more.
I'm so happy that I finally have friends whose houses I can just walk in to without knocking.
I've always wanted that.

I might be getting 2 chinchillas.
There names are Pikachu and Jasper.
I'm really excited that the one's name is Pikachu btw.
I hope they get to come home with me.
I already love them.

I've been working and doing school things like crazy.
And I'm exhausted.
And I'm good with that.

Also, fuck you, genetics.
My family sucks!

Also, don't disappear again.
I like having you around.

Also, I'm keeping you forever.
You need me to.
I love you.
Deal with it.

Fri, 01 Feb 2008 03:37:13 GMT

you know, it doesn't occur to me the change that's been made in me until people point it out to me.
please, continue pointing it out.
i love it.
Noticeably, in the last month, I've been different.

I've noticed that I've been different.
I've been content with who I am and where I'm at.
If you look at my journal in the last month, with the change of the year, there was this beautiful change with how I've been.

And I can tell you what it is.
For once, I actually know why I am the way I am.

I, as most of you know, am bipolar.
So, I go from moments of manic high to devastating lows.
With the beginning of this year, I went from the Bosstones and Boston to the Bosstones and Rhode Island and "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" and hundreds of balloons to two days with an amazing group of people to spending everyday utterly exhausted and with those same people and some additions and I've been happy.
But see, a few things changed at the beginning of this year.

1. With this year beginning, I stopped holding on to something I'm not getting back. And I stopped holding on to it, because I was holding on to it for the wrong reasons. I was holding on to it due to comfort, safety and familiarity. I wasn't holding on to it because I necessarily needed it anymore. Or wanted it. I was holding on to it because I was used to it and I didn't think I'd ever have anything else.
But now that I've gotten over that insecurity and realized how bad a few months of that was to me, I was doing better.

2. With this year, I realized that no matter how hard I try, I'm never going to have my biological father in my life. Meaning I no longer have a fear of saying things like, "I'm 20 years old and I'm already doing far better than you ever have, so I'm just going to take my Wawa iced tea and go now." And my Dad, who is my stepfather, has been my father for all these years. I don't need genetics to have family. I have my Dad. I don't need the guy who is genetically responsible.

3. I've realized I actually am attractive to some degree. I've realized that there are any number of guys that I control just by batting my eyes or pouting because, hell, I can be cute if I try hard enough. And most of those guys? They're cute as hell. So I've got all the reason in the world to feel good about myself.

4. I've realized I already am a success. I know what I want. I know how to get it. I know why I want to achieve it. And I know I will achieve it. Just because of how badly I want it.

5. And possibly the most important thing I've done without even trying. With bipolar disorder, you never know when you're going to go from up to down or vice versa. As of New Year's Eve, I'd been on the up end for a while with little patches of not-so-drastic down. Usually, when I'm up for a long period of time, part of me starts waiting for the down times to begin again. I haven't been waiting for it. I've just been embracing the up for as long as I've got it.

I mean, this year started with a bang.
Happy New Year. Oh, the Bosstones are on stage playing "The Impression That I Get." Oh there are hundreds of balloons falling from the ceiling.
Oh, and some of your favorite people in life are floating around the venue and you've been wreaking havoc on a town 250 miles from your own for the last 12 hours and you just love everything that is.
Then, add to that that you just got home from Boston less than 24 hours before you left for this show and it just gets better. And add to that that your coworkers had to cover your shift because you lost your voice so severely you had them convinced you were sick.
Then, almost nightly for the next two weeks, you're either at a show, in somebody's basement watching a terrible movie, at a diner, playing Rock Band and, the same thing we do every night, Pinky, playing Apples To Apples (trying to take over the world....same fuckin' thing...).
And you're realizing something slowly. You're not putting on an act for anyone anymore. If you're upset, you walk up to your friends house, face still red from crying, and you've got an arm around you. If you're happy, everybody else is happy for you.
Everything is different because everything is the way you've always wanted to see it.
And every now and then, you still get two days of living with your best friend because whether he admits it or not, he still needs you too.

Slowly, it's occurring to you that you've got what you wanted in high school and it's confusing.
Everybody is actually calling you now, enjoying your company, your phone is ringing off the hook because people want to see you and hang out with you.
And as confusing as it is, this is what you wanted.
And, even though you're far from looking for a relationship - you're far too happy being single for the first time for more than a month since 2002 - you like the fact that you have any number of guys that would buy you dinner if you'd let them. Off the top of your head you can think of...at least six. Not saying you'd actually go out with any of them, but if you wanted to....
And maybe you'll end up interested in one of them, or maybe you'll just keep an extra amount of suckers just in case something happens to one of them.

I'm actually happy. I'm not trying to convince myself I'm happy for the first time in a long time. I actually am happy. I'm content with who I am and how I am. I lost that last bit of weight I wanted to lose. I'm starting to have muscle tone again. My hair is the way I like it, the perfect length and color. I've got clothes that can make me own any room I'm in. I'm happy with who I am and who I'm surrounded with and I want to keep everything this way for as long as I can.
And if it changes tomorrow, I'll be content for a while knowing I was once this happy.

So I just want to thank those of you that have been in my life in the last month.
Those of you that have seen me going crazy and just having fun because there is fun to be had.
Those of you that have convinced me to try things I probably wouldn't have tried.
Those of you that have just given me looks that told me that what I just agreed to was a really bad idea.
Those of you that have been there recently even though I've known you for years.
Those of you that have started out friends of other people and become some of my bests.

Thank you all.
You're great.
I'm great.
Let's stay great.

Thu, 31 Jan 2008 18:15:23 GMT

I need money for my rent and a new tattoo.
I'm not sure currently which is more important...

also, i'm proud of myself.
i'm actually being honest with myself.
that's still relatively new to me.

and also, i love my friends.

Tue, 29 Jan 2008 00:35:09 GMT

the things that make 2008 great thus far:

-Apples to Apples
-SSL boys <3
-Going out of state
-Mail from out of the country <3
-not sleeping
-surprisingly, the people I work with.
-being more bitter, sarcastic and awesome than ever, and people finally realizing that I'm usually not serious and laughing for a reason more than nervousness.

Fri, 25 Jan 2008 03:01:02 GMT

So college is currently raping my bank account and reminding me why I'm alive.
I honestly feel like this is going to be my best semester yet.
I thoroughly enjoy most of my classes.
I'm determined to make things work.
I'm content with where I'm at, which never happens.
I'm actually buying my books when I'm supposed to. Which didn't happen last semester and fucked me.
But I managed to find most of my books on Amazon and 3 of my books added up to the price one of them would have been used in the bookstore.
So go me, I rule at shopping.

Life is going well.
I've got...albeit a very small amount, but faith in myself.
I've got things to look forward to.
I've got epically great friends.
I've got the things I need.
I'm going to make this work, no matter what it takes.

I'm too happy to let this go.

Tue, 15 Jan 2008 07:15:23 GMT

I've gotten about thirty hours of sleep so far this year.
I couldn't be happier with anything.

For the first time in my life, I really feel like I'm taking over everything just the way I'm supposed to. Everything feels right.
I've got that core group of friends I've been with every day - almost literally - since New Year's. And they're some pretty great reasons to get out of bed every day, those kids. I've got my apartment. I've got my cats, my gerbil, my turtle and my fishes. I've got my best best best friend ever. I've got enough money to get by even though I completely panic and always say I'm not going to make it.

I've got the greatest people in my life ever.
I'm cute enough to get away with everything - or maybe it's just that I'm the only girl everywhere - WHICH IS AWESOME. I LIKE THAT. LET'S KEEP ME THE ONLY GIRL PLS. <3

I like the way things are.
I like the way everything is.

Now, I go finish cleaning, for i have about 712 people coming over tomorrow and i cannot wait!

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 08:52:26 GMT

Oh, life.
Way to be epic.
Made of epic and win. That's what life is.

My friends? They're better than you.
We do nothing for five hours and have more fun than thought reasonable.

Life is beautiful.

And PS?
Thanks for asking if I was okay.
It's dumb, it's little. But it means you noticed I wasn't.
You're a good friend.

Sun, 13 Jan 2008 14:36:02 GMT

So I'm taking sixteen credits this semester and I'll be working four days a week.
Yet, somehow, I seriously think this semester is going to be wonderful.
I've got faith in that fact, especially if the semester continues to be anything like this break has been.

Holy crap.
I've seen everyone.
This break has been glorious and I've loved every minute of it.

Ps I stayed up for forty two hours straight and only got tired during the last hours!
Woo!

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 10:35:40 GMT

So, in the last 5 days, I've had epic hangouts with some of the greatest people I know.
It's always nice to know you've got friends when you forget who you've got on your side.
And it's always nice to know that every once in a while, someone you don't know at all is going to understand where you're coming from.
Every night has just been laid back conversation, video games and awesome movies. I've been loving it.
Tonight, ended up in New Brunswick at a party with a ton of people I love forever.

The only bad thing about this fact is that I have work in...oh, 2 1/2 hours, meaning I leave in about an hour and a half and I came home and started cleaning and I forgot to sleep.
Oh well.

I guess I'm going to go shower.

This is the first time I've owned life. Since September, I've actually been living and I haven't been sitting back and waiting for things to happen. It's nice knowing I'm controlling my own world right now.
And as much as I'd love to say I played a few things differently, I haven't. And I'm not ashamed of that fact.

Now, I go shower, then go to work all day, then go to bed really early tomorrow haha. I plan on being in bed by...oh, around nine o clock.
Unless someone calls me to hang out. In that case, I'll sleep when I'm dead!

And also, stop mocking me about certain things that I can't control.

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 02:21:55 GMT

Happy New Year, all.
I, for the first time....ever, I believe...made resolutions I plan on sticking to, and the crew I spent last evening with was part of the reason I feel I can actually accomplish said goals.
The kids I was with last night....Mike Davis and Doug, I've known for quite some time now. Jackie and Alex are new additions, both of whom I happen to enjoy having in my life greatly. Just the combination of those four people, far too long in a car, the Mighty Mighty Bosstones, and, well, chaos...I don't know, they got me thinking.

This year is going to be different.
I say that every year, and every year is oh so different.
But this year. This year is going to be better.
I started this in 2007, but I'm going into it headfirst in 2008.

In 2007, I mostly waited for life to happen to me. In 2008, I'm taking this thing by the horns and taking shit over. I'm not waiting for a god damned thing. If I want something, I'm not going to watch somebody else get it. I'm going to grab on to it and hold on like there is no tomorrow.

In 2007, I passed up a lot of great opportunities because I was waiting for something that will never happen. I'm not waiting anymore. Sure, feelings don't change because you want them to, but you can change how you feel about those feelings. As in, I'm not going to sit back and wait for somebody because I care about them. If he wants me, he can come get me. But until then, I'm going to thoroughly enjoy everything that I have in this life because you only live once.
I'm not sitting back and waiting anymore. I can't. I've spent too long waiting and not enough time having, and no matter how much I care, it doesn't matter, because patience doesn't always pay off and this time, I know it's not going to.

So I'm going to keep living.
But more so.
I'm taking everything for everything it is worth.
I'm going to randomly decide 6 hours before leaving that I'll go to Rhode Island to see a show that is once in a lifetime with people I could never get better than. I'm going to say yes the next time that persistent guy asks me out, because, you know what, I have nothing against him and why not give everything a shot. I'm going to be more brutally honest than I currently am and let people know what they want to know about me - I have no reason to hide, so why am I?

I'm going to live my life like it's meant to be lived.
I'm going to keep going when I want to give up because other people need me to keep going.
I'm done caring what you think about me, because I care about myself now, and that matters for a change.

I'm done.
I'm sorry.
I need to think of myself this year.

Happy fucking new year.

PS wow....guys are still shitty. bad times.

Sun, 30 Dec 2007 07:25:52 GMT

boston was amazing!
i love the bosstones and that town.

but i just got back like an hour ago and i'm going to bed until monday.
cool?
cool.

Fri, 28 Dec 2007 23:31:12 GMT

This moment makes my life perfectly content.
Dickey Barrett and the Bosstones - I love you <3

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 20:21:40 GMT

2007 Survey

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Moved out of my parent's house

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't believe in new year's resolutions.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Not that I can think of.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Paulie. I miss you.

5. What countries did you visit?
Only this one.

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?
mental stability and a savings account

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Feb. 5 - I finally got what i'd been fighting for for six months.
Feb 14 - do I need to say?
Feb 15 - Paulie
Feb 23 - I broke my ankle :(
Feb 24 - SYRACUSE!
March 1 - my boys with the slackers
May 21 - just because
June 25 - greg's show and chaos
July 25 - probably to this day one of the worst days of my life
August 23 - 26 - SKA WEEKEND and finding out my best friend didn't hate me
Nov 10 - CT adventures
Nov 12 - not even going there
Dec 18 - realizing i had one great friend i never want to lose
and tomorrow will most likely be the last great memorable day of the year

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
moving out, keeping my grades about failing, not losing my apartment....

9. What was your biggest failure?
punching a brick wall and not being able to keep a major part of my life

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
broke my ankle and wrist. had an upper respiratory infection, sinus infection, ear infection and strep all at the same time.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
tattoo #3. bosstones tickets. my new phone.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
MEV. GEC...except for about 3 months.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
GEC for about 3 months almost killed me.

14. Where did most of your money go?
shows. rent.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
boston which is tomorrow. ska weekend.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
oh god lol. um. "royal oil" has been my ring tone all year.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? about the same. i'm in the same spot, only with less people.
b) thinner or fatter? thinner.
c) richer or poorer? Poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
living life.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
working. crying. begging for the impossible.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
spent it with my parents.

22. Did you fall in love in 2007?
nope. stayed in love though.

23. How many one-night stands?
not my style.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
idk. not much for tv.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
yeah.

26. What was the best book you read?
idk. i read a lot.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
don't honestly know.

28. What did you want and get?
time with friends, people being more genuine, another tattoo.

29. What did you want and not get?
to keep somebody that means the world to me.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
i didn't really see many. american gangster was pretty good.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 20 and my best friend took me out to dinner and watched movies with me after i finished my finals...

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
being able to hold onto something amazing.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
idk. skinny jeans, ugly sneakers like it's my job, a lot of sweaters or out there hoodies, a lot of halters and shorts this summer

34. What kept you sane?
my best friend.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
idk honestly. thats not much my style.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
i'm not much for politics.

37. Who did you miss?
My best friend even though i see him more than everyone. spitalmark, adamfax, paulie, scott, john, tft when they left me forever, jose D!....too many people.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
the best? hmm...not the stalker. i love lizz lol. who else did i meet new that didn't hate me...pete's pretty great haha. oh yeah, forgot about him. justin is wonderful. everybody else...fuckin 'em

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
don't sit back and let life pass you by, because in that minute that you're waiting for somebody else you could lose a million opportunities

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"A new fire each day." it never changes. the only thing that changes is everything every time i turn around.

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 20:17:06 GMT

So I'm 20.

I hate how the older you get, the less your birthday holds significance.
I mean...it's my birthday. And I'm sitting here in my robe, freshly showered and studying for my last final.
Even last year my birthday meant more. Megan and Jay waited for me to come back to my room. I got presents from people.
This year...

I don't even see anybody.

But thanks for all the happy birthdays. That's helping at least.

Sun, 16 Dec 2007 13:52:29 GMT

I can't believe today has been so bad.
its not even 9am.
I'm giving up on life. sorry guys, I'm done...

If Two Past Lovers Can remain friends. its Either They Were Never in Love or They still are

Tue, 11 Dec 2007 19:21:13 GMT

i don't know what i want right now.
how's that sound for honesty?
i'm going to open up to you right now and tell you exactly what's on my mind and exactly why i'm ignoring your "problems" and why i don't care when your "like, first love" broke your heart and why i couldn't care less that you work ten hours a week and go to school full time and it's, like, so totally rough and, like, totally throws off your, like, beauty sleep, ya know? lol.
this is why i don't care about you anymore.

i turn twenty in seven days. woo hoo. finally to no longer be categorized with the group that i hate. no longer a teenager. no more to be categorized with them. thank god.
but at not even twenty years old, i am living on my own. in my own apartment, with my own responsibilities, my own life, my own goals, and everything is my responsibility.
get that. my responsibility.
how many of you can honestly say that you HAVE to do everything on your own and that mommy and daddy don't have your back when you fuck up?

financially, i am my own responsibility.
with school, i have no one to push me but me. i am my own responsibility.
with work, nobody is here to wake me up. i'm my own responsibility.
everything i do is solely on me and if i mess it up, that too, is on me.
there is nobody for me to blame, nobody for me to turn to, that's all on me.

that makes things slightly stressful sometimes.
i don't know why.

but what adds to it?
confusion, misunderstanding, or maybe perfect understanding that makes life a little more complex because the other person involved doesn't understand what they're doing to you with simple little words.
yeah, you've got the hint.

i've got...maybe 3 people i turn to regularly.
no, two.
those two people are my life. and i love them wholeheartedly and i could never ask for more than those two people.
except maybe somebody else to listen every once in a while.

i listen to all of you.
you complain to me about how much you love your boyfriend and how he is constantly getting on your nerves.
you complain to me about how he broke up with you six months ago and you still can't get passed it.
you complain to me about how he is with somebody else now and you were the only one that didn't see it coming.

and guess what?
the whole time you're complaining, you could be out living your life. yes, i bet you did care about him immensely, but you know what? life doesn't end because your relationship did. you have to keep living. you get one life. enjoy what you're given. don't just give up on everything because one person gave up on you.
you can't do that.
i tried that for a while and it failed miserably. you've got to keep your head up, keep truckin'. keep moving forward, because if you waste one minute in the past, that is a minute you don't get to live your life, and who knows? that could have been the one minute in which you met the one person that changed your life forever. you never know.
so, no matter how much you care about him, if you're not one hundred percent happy at least most of the time, or if he gave up on you, don't pine away or stick around miserable.

find somebody who will give you a reason to get up in the morning. find somebody who will look at you and remind you why you're alive. find somebody who can hug you once and make you smile in a way you thought you never could. find somebody who will call you beautiful. find somebody in the here and now, not just a memory.
and i'm not saying your heart won't be stuck in the past. because chances are, those feelings won't go away. not right away. not necessarily ever completely.
but don't just stop living because you've got feelings for somebody.
take that from me.

i'm tired of listening to all of you and wondering why you don't just get out there and do something with your lives.
i know you're all capable of it.
you did it before he broke up with you.
try it again.

i'm sorry.
i'm just frustrated.
i listen to everyone and i never talk.
and i'm all right with that.
but when you all complain about the same thing?
i'm tied of it.

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 06:00:44 GMT

so if i ever say "go have fun" and you know i'm depressed as fuck, that means i want to hear you say you want to stay and talk to me. i don't actually want you to go.
thanks for that.

spitalfield broke up.
tonight was their last show in jersey.
i already miss my friends.

Sun, 02 Dec 2007 09:15:43 GMT

tonight, i ran into justin, once of lux courageous fame.
in a deli of all places.
we talked a little, but not really.

i realized a lot has changed since i was obsessed with him.

one thing has not, though.

my god, he could not possibly be any hotter and still be considered human.

good, good night.
great, great people.
i leave for work in exactly 2 hours.

Wed, 28 Nov 2007 23:12:52 GMT

i keep having weird dreams lately.
And I guess they're only weird because they're things that could very easily happen.
Strange.

I turn 20 in a few weeks.
Find something for me to do...all week that week.
My birthday depresses me.
Keep me occupied.

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 23:20:34 GMT

Big D and the Kid's Table!
Whole Wheat Bread!
Brain Failure!
Sneaky Sea Lions!
Awful Waffle!
others!

December 14!
Starland Ballroom!
5PM doors!
Music most likely at 6!

Not only is it an awesome lineup, it's my pre-birthday-esque deal, so you should just come hang out with me.
Tickets are 13.50 and there are about 708 bands. And it's gonna be the only chance I have to celebrate my birthday lol. So come hang out with me haha.

I have tickets if you're interested in going, so let me know, kidssss.

PS I will be annoying as hell about this for the next few weeks.
:D

lol so the only person to respond to this so far is justin.
i love justin hahaha

Tue, 27 Nov 2007 00:37:40 GMT

You know, I started thinking while sitting alone in my car driving today whilst stuck in an ungodly, unnecessary amount of traffic.
I keep hearing about how confused I must be, how confusing life is for me lately.
I love that.
You know why?

I'm the only one that isn't confused these days.
I know exactly how I feel, exactly what I want, and almost exactly how to get it.

So...
Let's try again, kids.
Let's just try again.